The Importance of Affection in A Relationship
Whenever couples seek me out for relationship advice or marriage help, one of the first things I do is assess whether or not their relationship is suffering from a lack of affection…in other words, an affection deficit disorder. A lack of affection is a serious relationship problem for many couples.
Relationship Advice: The Power of Affection in building a stronger Relationship
Affection (or more accurately, showing affection) is an important part of any loving relationship—it is the verbal and physical expression of the love, warmth and caring you and your partner feel for each other. To maintain a healthy relationship, couples should find ways to increase the affection quotient of their relationship.
Ongoing displays of affection feed your marriage or relationship and keep it strong.
Unfortunately, too many couples fall prey to affection-complacency. They simply stop making an effort to communicate their positive, loving feelings and at some point their marriage or relationship experiences an affection deficit.
While all relationships go through peaks and valleys, relationships that suffer from affection deficits become lifeless over time—it’s as if the bridge that joins you and your partner has been torn down and you exist on separate islands miles apart, isolated from the love you used to share.
Let’s look at some warning signs of an affection deficit.
Relationship Problems: Warning signs of an affection deficit
1. There is no spark of playfulness between you
By its very nature, the energy of playfulness includes affection. When playfulness is abandoned, your marriage or relationship can begin to look and feel like a formal business luncheon. This also occurs when couples begin to take each other too seriously and can no longer laugh at the absurdities of life together.
2. There are little or no displays of mutual gratitude
Acts of gratitude make your spouse/partner feel cared for and appreciated. The positive impact mutual, spoken gratitude has on your marriage or relationship cannot be overstated. Every act of gratitude is an expression of love and caring that strengthens your relationship.
3. Communication mostly centers on the mundane
Sure you have to figure out who’s picking up Johnny from preschool, if there is enough money to cover this month’s expenses and what’s for dinner, but when interactions only center on the practicalities and stresses of life, your relationship is probably experiencing an affection drain.
4. There is little or no touch between you
Touch is a powerful form of non-verbal communication that feeds emotional intimacy and demonstrates affection. Research shows that infants and children who lack physical stimulation fail to thrive—and the need for touch doesn’t stop once you’ve entered adulthood. Don’t overlook the affection-boost touch can infuse into your relationship.
5. You talk negatively about your partner to others
The way you speak about your spouse/partner (or fail to talk about him/her) to others can impact your relationship. When you make a conscious effort to represent your partner (and your relationship) in a positive light, you heighten feelings of affection (even when these feelings may be lacking); and conversely, when you feed negativity by complaining about your partner to your friends and family, you further an affection deficit.
In other words, what you choose to focus on becomes a greater influence in your life and relationship. Because it puts you in a beneficial mindset and helps remind you of your partner’s admirable attributes, invoking positive, affectionate feelings while discussing your partner will positively impact your marriage or relationship.
While the above list isn’t exhaustive, as you can see, there are clear warning signs that your marriage or relationship is tipping toward an affection deficit. However, an affection deficit can be stopped and reversed. The first step is to become conscious of these signs and then make the commitment to reverse the patterns of affection-complacency.
7 Scientific Reasons Why Showing Affection Is The Most Important Part Of Relationships
1. Physical affection releases feel-good hormones.
One of the reasons why hugging, holding hands, and touching feel good to us is that these behaviors elevate our level of oxytocin, a hormone that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation. Oxytocin is increased during sexual orgasm and also as a result of affectionate touch, as this study demonstrates.
2. Physical affection predicts marital love.
Although love between spouses tends to predict their level of physical affection, the reverse is also true. That is, the amount of physical affection between husbands and wives predicts how much they say they love each other, as this study shows.
3. Physical affection is related to lower blood pressure.
Among women, those who receive more hugs from their romantic partners have lower resting blood pressure, as this study illustrates. It is unclear whether the same is true for men.
4. Physical affection makes you appear more trustworthy.
Being physically affectionate can even improve how others see you. According to this study, engaging in affectionate touch increases how trustworthy you appear.
5. Physical affection reduces stress hormones.
In romantic couples, increasing physical affection lowers daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol, as this study shows.
6. Physical affection is associated with higher relationship satisfaction.
This study found that romantic partners are more satisfied with their relationships the more physically affectionate they are with each other.
7. Physical affection today puts you in a better mood tomorrow.
The benefits of physical affection aren't confined to the moment. For women, engaging in physical affection with a loved one predicts an increase in positive mood the following day, according to this study.
None of these observations is a reason to start hugging people indiscriminately, of course. The benefits of physical affection are largely confined to close relationships. Indeed, receiving physical affection from a stranger often causes stress. In some situations—such as a nurse holding a patient’s hand—affection can be beneficial even if a close personal relationship doesn’t exist, but those situations are the exception, not the rule.
With loved ones, however, physical affection is often a boon to relationship quality, physical health, and mental well-being. For these reasons, it’s good to make time for affection!
18 Signs Your Partner Feels Starved For Affection (And They Need Love ASAP)